Sex: Birthday Beads
What’s the ultimate gift for the love of your life?
Sex everyday for a year. That’s what Charla Muller gave her husband when he turned 40 and she claims the ‘gift’ rekindled intimacy in her marriage. In her book, 365 Nights, Charla admits that it wasn’t always fun or easy, but she stuck to her promise and made it happen anyway. I bet she was also a girl scout.
Lawman’s having a big birthday this week and I pray no one gives him that book. Or Just Do It by Douglas Brown, another book about having sex with your spouse at least once a day. Don’t get me wrong. I love loving Lawman, but I have no desire to force myself to have sex every single day. It’s not really the sex part that gets me riled up – it’s the idea that sex is mandated, and like most mandatory assignments, may become a chore, rather than a chosen activity.
“I have some friends who made the same commitment,” said one half of my favorite man-couple, while we sailed to the Bahamas last weekend with a boatful of friends. “They never talk about it though. So I don’t know if it became a chore or made things better.”
We were discussing whether it was possible for both spouses to be sexually satisfied over the long-term. We talked about common coital challenges couples face, such as if one turns in early and the other stays up late or they wake up on different schedules. And we agreed that it’s important to time to be alone with your spouse in order to restore intimacy, which is exactly what both Charla and Douglas claim that scheduling daily sex with their spouse did for their marriage.
“I think sexual desire changes at different times throughout the relationship,” said a pretty executive who’s been with her man for more than a decade. Her husband nodded in agreement as we ordered another round from the bartender on the boat. I took this as an opening to bring up the topic of sex beads. Wouldn’t you?
Before you run away from me at the next party, let me explain. I’m NOT talking about beads that are inserted into your private parts (not that there’s anything wrong with that…)! But the beads I’m referring to help long-term couples establish a sex system that supports complete satisfaction for both members of the relationship.
Here’s how it works:
- Couple puts a large bowl of pretty beads by the bed.
- Couple puts small dish next to large bowl of beads.
- When someone (usually the husband) wants to have sex, they take a bead from the big bowl and place it into the small dish.
- The other half of the couple notices that a bead has been placed into the small dish and has 24 hours to have sex with their partner.
Why does it work?
According to Carolyn Evans, who began ‘beading’ after she gave her husband daily sex for his 40th birthday but immediately regretted it — the system works because, “We women need a little time to get our brains around the deed. It also gives the man time to anticipate, which they love. When he drops that bead, he is filled with gratitude and love and sexual anticipation and all that positive energy gets funneled in his wife’s direction. It’s a little quantum mechanics, if you will.”
She continued, “At a certain point in a marriage, it’s all about the to-do list, with kids and jobs and everything going on. After using the beads for just a month, I thought my marriage was better than it ever had been. The sex is just a vehicle to create this emotional connection.”
She gave an example, “He drops the bead in a bowl and all of a sudden he’s scooping up the baby with the stinking butt instead of walking right past because he is so stinking happy with the promise of all this sex in his future.”
And let’s face it: picking up a stinky baby turns women on. As does doing the dishes, massaging our feet, and taking us on a thoughtful date. These are the types of things that make women feel close to their partner. And women who feel close to their partner feel like having sex. But men are different.
According to Carolyn, who chronicled her experience in the book 40 beads, “A man has to have sex to feel close, and a woman has to feel close to want to have sex with him.” I agree with her and applaud the system she has stuck to for more than two years!
Unlike Charla and Douglas who were relieved to end their experiment after forcing themselves into daily sex, Carolyn continues to use her beading system and has no plans to stop. In fact, she’s even created a ‘forty beads’ gift that can be ordered from amazon.com.
A box of 40 beads and a small dish to be used as a bead catcher can be all yours for just $39.95. Or you could spend a fraction of that to buy a large bowl, a small dish, and some brightly colored fish rocks that can be used as beads. Although the color, texture, and type of beads don’t matter, men should know that diamonds might encourage a little more sex than fish rocks. But that’s not the point.
The point is —most long-term couples become too busy to find the time, energy, and motivation to sustain a great sex life. The beading system brings sexual tension and desire back to the relationship. Once the bead is dropped into the dish, everyone knows sex is coming soon which builds excitement. When a man is expecting sex, his better, nicer, more lovable side emerges which charms his woman into falling in love with him all over again. And a woman in love is a woman who wants sex.
I haven’t tried the system yet because I haven’t had time to get my supplies together. And because Lawman is still the same sweet and charming man I married four months ago. But he is having a big birthday this week and I want to outdo all those wives who gave sex as a birthday present.
I’ve decided that 40 beads is for wimps–Lawman’s getting 400!
To see more of Dr. Sonjia: drsonjia.com
