Sex: He Said, She Said
What awkward questions are you craving to ask your lover?
Most people can’t talk about sex without blushing —even with the person they’re having sex with. And sexual pleasure tops the list of taboo topics. Aside from eating and sleeping, sex behaviors influence life more profoundly than any other human activity. Whether you’re having sex or not, it significantly impacts your health, happiness, and self-esteem – just like food and sleep.
It’s not weird to ask someone if they’re hungry or getting enough rest. And most people can tell a close friend that they look tired or have lost (or gained) a few pounds. But people hardly say, “You look like you haven’t been having sex.” And my ob-gyn is the only person who’s ever asked, “Are you having sex?”
Let’s face facts: I’m a rare breed. I enjoy talking about sex and am perfectly comfortable asking friends, family, and strangers about their sensual desires, erotic experiences, and bedroom endeavors. Fortunately, at least three people have noticed my special set of skills and expressed appreciation for my ability to ignite important conversations that feel awkward to approach.
Last week, I told readers that sharing my column with a lover would initiate valuable sex conversations. Well, a few people believed me and attempted to complete the assignment. Afterwards, they sent me emails that summarized their experiences, which were surprisingly similar.
In their own special way, each told me they began talking about sex with the person they’re having sex with, but ran out of fuel just as the conversation was getting good. In other words, as soon as they started feeling comfortable discussing sex, they ran out of things to say. Now that’s awkward.
What’s worse? Each reader indicated that it was my duty to provide a list of appropriate sex questions. I thought that was a little pushy and demanding, but I’d do almost anything to keep my readers happy. All three of them. So I asked South Beach adults, “What would you like to ask your partner or a potential lover about sex but it feels too embarrassing or awkward to approach?” Their answers, or rather questions, are below.
And since I’m really trying to impress you, I also created two fun exercises that help people communicate sexual desires and learn ways to improve sexual satisfaction – even when the sex is already great! Knowledge is power and you’ll definitely know more about your lover after completing the exercises: “Learn Me, Love Me,” and “Touch Me, Tease Me.” Both will be emailed directly to anyone who joins my mailing list at www.drsonjia.com.
Warning: The following questions are to be used at your own risk. Potentially sticky situations may arise and you alone are completely responsible for the results. Be careful what you ask for.
- On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like sex? (Note: Remember that many people have different libidos – some are asexual and don’t need sex while others want sex as often as possible).
- What’s your preference: amazing sex 1-2 times per week or regular sex 5 times per week?
- What’s something that a past lover did that totally blew your mind?
- What are your favorite and least preferred aspects sex? (i.e.oral, intercourse, switching positions, getting all sweaty and primal, cuddling afterwards, taking a shower together, etc..)
- What are your feelings on foreplay? Do you enjoy it? Is it a waste of time? How much (if any) should happen before sex?
- How are my oral sex skills? What can I do to improve? Should I try something with my hands and tongue to make you feel better?
- Have you ever used a toy during sex?
- If yes, how did it feel? Did you like it? Would you like to try it together?
- If no, have you ever thought about it? Do you want to experiment?
- What’s something wild that one of your friends did, which under normal circumstances you would never do, but found intriguing, and might try in the right situation?
- Do you masturbate?
- If yes: How? Do you use your fingers, toys, or a vibrator? What do you think about when you masturbate?
- If no: Why? Have you ever tried it?
10. What did you learn from your parents and/or family about sex?
11. What is the one thing you always wished a lover would do for you?
12. What do you think about swinging? Could you ever do it?
13. Have you ever role-played (dressed up/acted like someone else to excite a lover)? Do you think you ever would?
14. In terms of sex, what are your deal breakers? (i.e.: partner won’t perform oral sex; partner who wants to have anal sex; partner only wants to do it missionary style, etc…)
15. If something happened that prevented me from physically having sex the traditional way, would you stay with me and work on finding ways for each of us to be sexually satisfied without bringing in a third party? (Optimists may choose to avoid this question).
